May 30, 2011
May 29, 2011
May 18, 2011
ღ - Can you do it? - ღ
I DON'T KNOW WHO MADE UP THIS STUPID THING
BUT HE SHOULD BE SHOT. IT'LL DRIVE YOU CRAZY.
FOR A BIT OF FRUSTRATION ... CLICK ON
ღ - Three Sons - ღ
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
ღ - Viagra - ღ
A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband's infertility problem. The doctor says, "Just give your husband these Viagra pills in his next meal and stand back."
The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was preparing dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says to the cook, "Just put two of these in my husband's dinner tonight."
As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, "Sure, like I got nothing better to do," and she throws the whole bunch into the soup.
As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her in that there is a big problem in the kitchen. The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to know what is going on.
The cook admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and cries, "I don't know what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is standing straight up!"
ღ - Real Woman - ღ
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure
and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do.
she will show him to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions
and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though
he's the most handsome man in the room
she will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive, and invincible.....
..
..
She never fails us.
The kind a women we like when she's cold to us.
Plus we can share her with someone
and no one gets jealous.
Unconditional love.
No wait...
sorry...
I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
Never mind....
ღ - Bank Robbery - ღ
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."
ღ - " Go to Hell ... " - ღ
Four nuns were attending a reds baseball game. Four men were sitting directly behind. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they would get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said,
"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."
Then, the second guy spoke up and said,
"I WANT TO GO TO MISSOURI, THERE ARE ONLY 75 NUNS LIVING THERE."
The third guy said,
"I WANT TO GO TO TEXAS , THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS THERE"
The fourth guy said,
"I WANT TO GO TO MAINE, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."
The Mother Superior turned around, looked at the men and
in a very sweet and calm voice said....
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL...
THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"
♥ - Why Men are Happier than Women - ♥
Before anyone who might read this complain about the list, please note that it was from a guy friend. As a woman, I thought it was kind of amusing in the way that things have more than a kernel of truth tend to be.
Nicknames:
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
Eating out:
* When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in P200, even though it’s only for P532.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Money:
* A man will pay P200 for a P100 item he needs.
* A woman will pay P100 for a P200 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
Bathrooms:
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream , razor, a bar of soap, and a towel …
* The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
Arguments:
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Future:
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband..
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Success:
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Marriage:
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
Dressing up:
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals .
Natural:
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Offspring:
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends , favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Furthermore:
# You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
# You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
# You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
# Your last name stays put.
# Wedding plans take care of themselves.
# Chocolate is just another snack.
# Car mechanics tell you the truth.
# You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
# Same work, more pay.
# Wrinkles add character.
# Wedding dress P5000. Tux rental P500.
# One mood all the time.
# A five-day vacation only requires one suitcase.
# You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
# If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
# Your underwear is P99.95 for a three-pack.
# The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
# Your belly usually hides your big hips.
# One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
# You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
# And finally, you can be President.
May 17, 2011
ღ - Rainy days - ღ
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. She looked out the window and yelled to her lover. Quick jump out the window. My husband's home early!!
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun, the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
So he started running alongside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners, which had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
"Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope.........just when it's raining."
May 14, 2011
ღ - " Owww... Come on... " - ღ
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, Can You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
ღ - " Wedding Cake " - ღ
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 65-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
ღ - " Take off my bra... " - ღ
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra..."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
ღ - A Woman's Prayer - ღ
Lord, before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man, who's not a creep;
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
and when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray to my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.
May 13, 2011
The pig was unpopular
while the cow was beloved.
This puzzled the Pig...
PIG: People speak warmly
of your gentle nature
and your sorrowful eyes.
They think you're generous
because each day
you give them milk and cream.
But what about me?
I give them everything i have.
I give bacon, ham, etc.
I give my all!
The Cow replied,
"It's not really what you give when you are dead,
it's about what you give while you're still alive".
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